Manners Makeover
By Ustazah Maimunah Alhabshi
- Manners Makeover for Seekers of Sacred Knowledge
- Manners Makeover for Wives
Manners Makeover for Seekers of Sacred Knowledge
Seeker's Inner Self:
- Sincerity - will intent to do good deeds for the sake of Allah, not to show others!
- Purity of Heart - am always struggling to remove hatred, envy, judging others from my heart :(
- Leaving Sins - esp those sins that only Allah know...
- Understand that knowledge is worship - not only the 5 daily prayers!
- Implement the sunan upon yourself & leave argumentative or doubtful speech - Smile to sisters always, keep silence to avoid argument
- Commit to acting upon what you have learned - am always struggling to act on them… needs reminder, reminder & reminder!!
- Continual observance of yourself - and not on others pls! When judging others, say "HEPP!" & look at my own flaws!
- Lower your wings & put arrogance & pride behind you - Go away arrogance!! Coz I still don't know what I know!
- Contentment & Zuhd - Satisfy with my share in this life & be moderate in my lifestyle.
- Adorn yourself with the splendour of knowledge - Revise, Reflect, Reiterate
- Adorn yourself with honour - Love & respect myself!
- Avoid gathering of vain speech - hmm, must keep my mouth full of FOOD. :P
- Adorn yourself with gentleness - No shouting pls.
- Be Contemplative = Experience life & reflect His blessing & mercy
- Be firm with yourself - Am struggling to be discipline.
Manners Makeover for Wives 1.0
~ My take-aways are to be grateful for being blessed a husband, to change myself first & foremost, show affection first to my husband in order to receive the same and fix myself first to be a good human being- a positive woman who appreciate life. ~
Surah Ar-Rum 30:21: And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.
How can I work on these 3 traits?
Tranquility: A state of being calmness.
Affection: A gentle feeling of fondness or liking.
Mercy: Compassion and forgiveness towards someone.
Hadith, Sahih Muslim: Prophet said, "The world is just temporary comforts and the best comfort for the man in this world is a righteous woman."
What is a righteous woman?
- Does not complain
- Grateful
- Honest
- Truthful
- Does not swear
- Does not argue
- Does not nag
What Islam requires from a wife?
- Love my husband first
- Obey my husband
- Respect my husband
- Be the source of comfort, calmness and pleasure
- Guard my husband's honour
- Guard my husband's wealth
- Guard my modesty
Check these 4 character traits in your future husband:
- Humility
- Kindness
- Responsibility
- Happiness
Marriage Vision Board:
- Uphold positive values
- Respect myself & never allow anyone disrespect me
- Lead by being the first one to give - Give love, respect, positive value FIRST! Don't expect anything in return.
- Say, "I appreciate you for …." or "I respect you for….."
- Write down positive traits of my husband
- Humor, fun, crazy
- Being over-comers of difficulties
- Meeting each others' needs
- Being a team- Motivate each other, unified, open communication, work hand in hand.
- Quality time
Love map:
Love map is the part of your brain here you store important info about your spouse. It is like a mental notebook where you write down unique traits of your spouse & things about him or her tha you want to remember.
Jeolousy - a sign of insecurity, weakness & obsession.
How to overcome it?
- Identify the source
- Acknowledging our own flaws is 50% of the journey to rectification.
- Talk about your feelings
- Think differently
MANNERS MAKEOVER FOR WIVES 2.0
THE TOP 3 MARRIAGE PROBLEMS:
1) Due to the hukum of halal & haram, the marriage rights (nafkah).
2) Polygamy (This concept was introduced during the Arab's era in the past. They had a common culture of having more than 10 women, When Islam came in, men can only have up to 4 wives. How can we relate to our era now? Does it still applies now?)
3) Increased responsibilities changes a person (We were not prepared enough or ready yet for the many responsibilities. Fix ourselves fix before asking our husband to take care of their responsibilities. InsyaAllah, there is the ripple effect after we fix ourselves.)
Q) Why did I want to attend the workshop?
A) I need reminders that I have to give love, care, affection to my husband first and expect nothing in return.
Q) What do I want?
A) I want to detach my emotions from any situations that tense my marriage. After putting away the emotion, I want to talk about the situation and not suppressing it by giving silence treatment. Plus I do not want to target at my husband's personality.
THE TOP 10 MYTHS OF MARRIAGE:
1) Learn to communicate better
2) Personality problems ruin marriage
3) Common interests keep couple together (What happened to celebrities' marriages then? Married, divorce, married, divorce, so on and on.)
4) I prepared dinner you washed the dishes. We will be happy. (Am so guilty of this! There was unwritten, hidden agreement in my brain of such arrangement. I feel the need for such arrangement as I'm tired physically & mentally esp after a day at work.)
5) Affairs are the root cause of divorce. (Wives could not meet the husband's needs. Naturally they will look elsewhere to have their needs met. Of course there are some exceptions of men having affairs for other reasons as men are messed up too. :P)
6) Marriage is about happiness. (Why are some couples are still unhappy then?)
7) Marriage is about love. (Why some spouse enter into affair? Why some spouse said the love had died after some years? When we quarrel, there is hate and anger. Where is the love then?)
8) Make babies. It will bring you closer! (But why some couples got distanced after the birth of a baby? My previous definition of marriage include having children is a must. I then began to realise that I am bringing up two human beings into this world. It is not merely having children can help us when we are old or bring us 'rezeki'. How do we know that we are guarantee to grow old with them? Why families with many kids are in financial difficulties? This is really a MYTH! )
9) Marriage will end loneliness.
10) He is so kind and romantic. He will always and forever be kind and romantic. (That happens in fairy tales. :P. Husbands are not angels or prophet. They are humans.)
WHAT IS MARRIAGE?
Redefine the common definition of marriage. Do not let others & media define marriage for us. After this workshop, my definition of marriage is two parts of the jigsaw puzzle to match & compliment each other's needs. My husband's positive traits can compliment my negative traits & vice versa.
Kak Muna's definition of marriage is when we give 100% and expect 0% in return sincerely. Marriage is about companionship, having dreams together and be in a journey together. Expectation and frustration come together. Do not expect anything from husband and we will not get frustrated when the expectation is not met. When things happen unexpectedly, it will be a surprise. Women love surprises, don't we? ;)
5 KEYS TO UNDERSTAND MEN:
1) ATTACHMENT
- Desire to 'return' to womb is high, to seek back the comfort, the warm they used to had while in their mother's womb.
- Man in their 30s became more attached.
2) MASTERY & COMPETENCE
- Men need to master in skills, education, etc & compete to achieving more than other men.
3) GUILT
-If guilt manifest, it will lead to depression.
Unhealthy guilt: Unconsciously they are attached to their mother when they were young. He became a child in his father's presence or act inhibited around his mother.
Healthy guilt: Does your man and his father interact as adult friends? Does he experience open and enjoyable pleasure with his mother? Does his spiritual life is based on loving acceptance and openness rather than rigid rules? Does he pursue his dreams? When treated unfairly, will he confront the person?
4) NEED FOR OTHER MEN
- Don't feel rejected by his connection to other men.
- Encourage him to keep his bonds with his friends. This will ultimately strengthen his connection to you.
- Don't allow all his time to be spent with others. Insist he balance it all.
- Be sensitive to authority issues with men, This will be most exaggerated through relationship with your dad.
5) PHYSICAL INTIMACY
- Men's peak periods are 18-25 yrs olf & 40 yrs old onwards
- Be physically fit as men are visually stimulated.
- If we are fit, we feel spiritually light and happy. Try the pure veg & fruits juice! Yucks! :P
BREAKING OUT FROM THE SHELL OF THE EGO:
Ego is formulated since baby as all the attention is on the baby. Baby are helpless and their cries will attract adults' attention to care and nurture them. When we became adults, the ego will still be in us. We have to wash it away every single time. As we travel through life, we accumulated more ego until it became so thick and it hides the spiritual soul in us.
Realise it also that the world is not about us. We have to help other people in this world and not only focus on me, myself & I. Put ourselves in other people's shoes and do not judge others. Quran verses, hadith n remembrance of Allah do help on the surface of the ego but will take time to detach the ego from our soul. We have to keep on struggling to detach the ego from us.
Ego is born in the relationship with the father and the mother and it has to be tackled first. If you can solve your conflict with your parents, other conflicts will disappear. Discuss the conflict with the parents. But if the outcome is not as expected, let it go. To err is human, to forgive is divine? No. To err is human, to forgive is human.
SOUL MATES OR CELL MATES?
Nobody is made for anybody else. Everybody is different from everybody else. If you love somebody, you have to understand that the person you love is not your shadow, is not your reflection in the mirror and he has his own individuality.
Unless you have big enough heart to accommodate someone who is different from you, who may have different ideas with different things, you should not get unnecessary trouble. Be a monk/nun.
The day you graduate from childhood to adulthood is the day you take full responsibility for your life. Choose to be 100% responsibile for your life. Eliminate your excuses!
Problems that occur in marriage is due to some conflicts happened during childhood. Let's find the connection in my life!
1) Due to the hukum of halal & haram, the marriage rights (nafkah).
2) Polygamy (This concept was introduced during the Arab's era in the past. They had a common culture of having more than 10 women, When Islam came in, men can only have up to 4 wives. How can we relate to our era now? Does it still applies now?)
3) Increased responsibilities changes a person (We were not prepared enough or ready yet for the many responsibilities. Fix ourselves fix before asking our husband to take care of their responsibilities. InsyaAllah, there is the ripple effect after we fix ourselves.)
Q) Why did I want to attend the workshop?
A) I need reminders that I have to give love, care, affection to my husband first and expect nothing in return.
Q) What do I want?
A) I want to detach my emotions from any situations that tense my marriage. After putting away the emotion, I want to talk about the situation and not suppressing it by giving silence treatment. Plus I do not want to target at my husband's personality.
THE TOP 10 MYTHS OF MARRIAGE:
1) Learn to communicate better
2) Personality problems ruin marriage
3) Common interests keep couple together (What happened to celebrities' marriages then? Married, divorce, married, divorce, so on and on.)
4) I prepared dinner you washed the dishes. We will be happy. (Am so guilty of this! There was unwritten, hidden agreement in my brain of such arrangement. I feel the need for such arrangement as I'm tired physically & mentally esp after a day at work.)
5) Affairs are the root cause of divorce. (Wives could not meet the husband's needs. Naturally they will look elsewhere to have their needs met. Of course there are some exceptions of men having affairs for other reasons as men are messed up too. :P)
6) Marriage is about happiness. (Why are some couples are still unhappy then?)
7) Marriage is about love. (Why some spouse enter into affair? Why some spouse said the love had died after some years? When we quarrel, there is hate and anger. Where is the love then?)
8) Make babies. It will bring you closer! (But why some couples got distanced after the birth of a baby? My previous definition of marriage include having children is a must. I then began to realise that I am bringing up two human beings into this world. It is not merely having children can help us when we are old or bring us 'rezeki'. How do we know that we are guarantee to grow old with them? Why families with many kids are in financial difficulties? This is really a MYTH! )
9) Marriage will end loneliness.
10) He is so kind and romantic. He will always and forever be kind and romantic. (That happens in fairy tales. :P. Husbands are not angels or prophet. They are humans.)
WHAT IS MARRIAGE?
Redefine the common definition of marriage. Do not let others & media define marriage for us. After this workshop, my definition of marriage is two parts of the jigsaw puzzle to match & compliment each other's needs. My husband's positive traits can compliment my negative traits & vice versa.
Kak Muna's definition of marriage is when we give 100% and expect 0% in return sincerely. Marriage is about companionship, having dreams together and be in a journey together. Expectation and frustration come together. Do not expect anything from husband and we will not get frustrated when the expectation is not met. When things happen unexpectedly, it will be a surprise. Women love surprises, don't we? ;)
5 KEYS TO UNDERSTAND MEN:
1) ATTACHMENT
- Desire to 'return' to womb is high, to seek back the comfort, the warm they used to had while in their mother's womb.
- Man in their 30s became more attached.
2) MASTERY & COMPETENCE
- Men need to master in skills, education, etc & compete to achieving more than other men.
3) GUILT
-If guilt manifest, it will lead to depression.
Unhealthy guilt: Unconsciously they are attached to their mother when they were young. He became a child in his father's presence or act inhibited around his mother.
Healthy guilt: Does your man and his father interact as adult friends? Does he experience open and enjoyable pleasure with his mother? Does his spiritual life is based on loving acceptance and openness rather than rigid rules? Does he pursue his dreams? When treated unfairly, will he confront the person?
4) NEED FOR OTHER MEN
- Don't feel rejected by his connection to other men.
- Encourage him to keep his bonds with his friends. This will ultimately strengthen his connection to you.
- Don't allow all his time to be spent with others. Insist he balance it all.
- Be sensitive to authority issues with men, This will be most exaggerated through relationship with your dad.
5) PHYSICAL INTIMACY
- Men's peak periods are 18-25 yrs olf & 40 yrs old onwards
- Be physically fit as men are visually stimulated.
- If we are fit, we feel spiritually light and happy. Try the pure veg & fruits juice! Yucks! :P
BREAKING OUT FROM THE SHELL OF THE EGO:
Ego is formulated since baby as all the attention is on the baby. Baby are helpless and their cries will attract adults' attention to care and nurture them. When we became adults, the ego will still be in us. We have to wash it away every single time. As we travel through life, we accumulated more ego until it became so thick and it hides the spiritual soul in us.
Realise it also that the world is not about us. We have to help other people in this world and not only focus on me, myself & I. Put ourselves in other people's shoes and do not judge others. Quran verses, hadith n remembrance of Allah do help on the surface of the ego but will take time to detach the ego from our soul. We have to keep on struggling to detach the ego from us.
Ego is born in the relationship with the father and the mother and it has to be tackled first. If you can solve your conflict with your parents, other conflicts will disappear. Discuss the conflict with the parents. But if the outcome is not as expected, let it go. To err is human, to forgive is divine? No. To err is human, to forgive is human.
SOUL MATES OR CELL MATES?
Nobody is made for anybody else. Everybody is different from everybody else. If you love somebody, you have to understand that the person you love is not your shadow, is not your reflection in the mirror and he has his own individuality.
Unless you have big enough heart to accommodate someone who is different from you, who may have different ideas with different things, you should not get unnecessary trouble. Be a monk/nun.
The day you graduate from childhood to adulthood is the day you take full responsibility for your life. Choose to be 100% responsibile for your life. Eliminate your excuses!
Problems that occur in marriage is due to some conflicts happened during childhood. Let's find the connection in my life!